So how greedily do I long for naptimes and bedtimes? How wistfully do I bid my husband farewell in the morning when he heads to work? I never know what any given day will hold-- meltdowns, disastrous diapers, boo boos that make me want to cry, or simply animated children who desire a lot of hands-on play. I hardly ever believe I'm equipped to face the variety of activities and responsibilities caring for two little ones requires. So when miraculously the stars have aligned and simultaneous naps occur, the house is quiet. And my mind fills with all the things I'm finally free to do. I declare this "ME time" and covet every glorious minute I get. As soon as the first cry comes from a nursery, I get that same sensation as when one's alarm clock goes off-- the dream is over, now back to it. I regularly sigh and dolefully reflect that even the alarm clock has built in grace for the weary sleeper with its generous snooze button...
Lately; however, God has been speaking to me about my quiet time not being my own. I am quick to assert, "But Lord, don't you see I'm serving these little ones all day? Aren't I entitled to veg out for a bit to unwind?" God has said "No Leah. I know you are tired, but this is kingdom time."
James 4:2-6 reads:
You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace.
So maybe I'm tired or two days behind on taking a shower. Maybe my eyes are burning because the baby woke up 4 times in the evening. But dispensing my time on frivolous things not only leaves little time for me to spend alone with God. It actually makes the gap between us greater. It communicates to my Maker that he doesn't really get how I feel or what I need. Has there ever been a more ludicrous predication? No wonder James says I'm acting like God's enemy; it's like walking the opposite direction from a water source in my greatest thirst.
Kingdom time. Well, it is different everyday. Sort of like the station activities from Kindergarten. Sometimes it's reading devotions or reviewing notes from my Bible study class. Sometimes it's writing in my prayer journal. Sometimes it's reading a stack of updates from the ministries we support financially and with prayer. Sometimes it's writing notes to a few special people God has given me to care for. Sometimes it's listening to sermons on a podcast. Today it's blogging (my favorite station, if I had to pick one). Most days I have God's word with me to read and reflect in the hopes that my time is inline with His word.
Only this past week have I really thought, "wow, this is the part of the kingdom He's given me today." To be entrusted with any spiritual charge is quite humbling. Even more so when I reflect on the knowledge that He "yearns jealously" to be with me like the Spirit who indwells me. How could I resist that kind of loving attention from the Father?
Perhaps this is my own personal interpretation or application of the phrase, "but he gives more grace", but I can testify that when I do dedicate time to him in my afternoons while the children sleep, he renews me. He gives me a better attitude as I face the challenges of the rest of the day. He gives me glimpses of glory where I truly see and experience how precious this time is with my tiny ones. He reminds me of his presence when things go all wrong and I turn into a monster mom-- and he forgives me when I repent and restores the loving connection with my children that I break. God is truly gracious to me.
And with all this said (so to speak), I hear the cry of one ushering in the time for late afternoon play...
