Reluctant to Write

Greetings dear reader,

I confess I had intended to write more.  There have been many days where I crave to share my thoughts and process the things I'm learning with you.  As soon as I sit down, I begin to shuffle through my initial thoughts and then get bogged down with my purpose.  Why do I write?  At first this blog was dedicated to be a journal and newsletter of sorts about Kyle and my experience in France.  At times I ventured into reflections, but I primarily recorded our day to day life with the hopes of incorporating a bit wit and excellent vocabulary for your entertainment.  Upon our return home to the states, it was clear I had lost my purpose in writing.  It's better to journal my thoughts in a handwritten diary, and no amount of clever writing could make my trips to the grocery store feel as significant as my chronicles from Europe.  Yet I still enjoy writing so much.  I sought a better motivation.

You've seen me dabble with faith and ideas before if you've been a consistent reader.  My passion for the word of God often inspires me; I frequently get carried away in blog plot brainstorms on Sunday mornings sitting in the pew at my church.  I'm also influenced greatly by whatever I'm reading or listening to on the radio or online.  I believe that with the correct motivation, prayerful effort, and the proper research, I could share with you the things that really light me up.  The difficulty is that my passions are perhaps tremendously counter-cultural.  I know as soon as I use certain language, you may tune out or determine I'm extreme.  I propose and promise to use the most gracious language I can muster to share my convictions. 

With that preface behind us, I had a friend share an article from the New York Times written by a young wife and mom in my area.  She entitled her piece An Agnostic's Guide to Marriage (though in the email I received, it was called An Agnostic's Fear of Unbelief).  My friend commented on the writer's spiritual confusion.  While discarding Christianity entirely for herself, she expresses a desire for her family to enjoy the benefits of faith.

[source]

 Here's the background:  Though she was not a Christian, the writer of the article discovered her soon-to-be husband held a reserved faith when they were planning their wedding ceremony.  She was removing the mention of God at every turn in the Order of Worship and was taken aback when her husband requested to preserve the recitation of The Lord's Prayer.  They never talked about Christianity before their engagement, and his faith seemingly didn't contribute greatly in shaping their marriage.  Here is how she described his faith (italics added by me):

As I peeled back the layers of his faith over the next few months, I discovered something else: my husband’s unobtrusive belief in a higher power was surprisingly attractive. He believed that an omniscient being watches over us, that when we died we would be together again in an otherworldly place, and that praying for people was an important part of caring for them.

 He didn’t go to church, he didn’t read from the Bible every night (I had actually never seen him with one in hand), and he didn’t feel the need to force his opinions on anyone else. He was Christian-lite: just enough for me to respect it, and more important, to live with it.

One day, to the dismay of our author, her husband confesses he no longer believes in God (he actually confesses an uncertainty of ever believing).  Many Christians would not be stunned that this man lost faith or doubted the existence of it to begin with.  Jesus himself discusses in the Parable of the Sower that faith in him is like a seed.  It is perfectly designed to grow and flourish so long as it is nourished in the proper environment.  The analogy is simple enough for a child to understand; without good soil, water, sunlight, and protection from other creatures, a plant simply cannot thrive.  The husband in this article appears to have had limited fellowship with God through prayer and chose not to know God more deeply through time in the Word (i.e. the Bible).  Nor did he have the support of other Christians because he was not involved in a church.  Like the plant that withered in the scorching sun, his faith decayed because it had no roots.

I felt so sad at reading this, but my grief for this family went deeper the more I read.  Her characterization of Christianity must be what many perceive.  She says (emphasis added by me):

Christians and religious zealots might say that deep down I was searching for a sense of peace that only the Lord can provide. Maybe, but I doubt it. I know myself enough to know that I can’t fuse my intellectual knowledge with a blind faith in a supreme deity. It just won’t ever happen.

What she would have witnessed by her husband must have looked like blind faith~ like a child who grows into adulthood holding on to his conviction that the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus are indeed real.  Our author admits it would be great if only it were true.  From her perspective, naivety prevented her husband from accepting agnosticism sooner.  Conversely, anyone who holds fast to the belief in God as an adult must only be perceived as a zealot; from a worldly perspective, believers appear to cast off reason to preserve a fantasy.  If God were like Santa Claus, she would be right to hold that opinion of Christians.

The author's doubts about her beliefs or lack thereof betray her agnostic resolve.  Twice she alludes to hell.  What if hell is real?  What if there is something after death?  Do I get a choice to go to heaven after my last breath?  There is humor in her language about gaining access to heaven; she likens it to telling a bouncer at a club that her husband is inside thus she warrants the right to enter to be reunited with him (calling this her "safety net").  It's the first time I've ever heard of someone relying on the so-called blessed assurance of another. 

The arrival of a baby boy revealed another area of her doubts.  She proposed finding a church to attend, "just to give [their son] some kind of spiritual base... An education of sorts about Christianity so he can have knowledge with which to agree or disagree."  Obviously this couple "disagrees" with Christianity.  Yet in presupposing their is inherent value in Christianity for some, she (most likely unintentionally) acknowledges there is truth in Christian teachings.  I'm trying to carefully select my words here~ bear with me.  A serious and thoughtful adult doesn't have opinions about religion.  It's not like cilantro where some have aversions to it while it's great for others.  It's either true or it's not.  If it's not true, it's as pitiable to believe in God as it is the Tooth Fairy. (For additional reading on this, see 1 Corinthians 15; verse 19 says, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.")

I admit, I respect and totally relate to her motivations.  Spirituality and moral living make the church an attractive environment for parents who want to do the best for their children~ Christian or not.  I know this to be true very personally.  My parents joined a church when I was five years old, had my sisters and me baptized, and brought us regularly to church activities like Sunday school and choir.  Yet my father was an avowed atheist and my mother, well, I'm not sure what she was.  Maybe a well-intentioned feminist.  I enjoyed my church life as a child, but anything I may have learned there was not reinforced at home.  I certainly did not initially bear the fruit of their expectations from my church exposure; I was wild as a teenager dabbling in dangerous pastimes.

Family portrait for the church directory (no dad in sight) ~ I'm the one on the right in case you were curious.

It's all well and good to desire to raise your child with good values (trust me, it's a subject I pray about and hope I live out everyday with my son).  As our author says, "being kind to one another and not lying and not killing people and not committing adultery," are good values.  But logically we must accept we can't even uphold these simple values relying on all our best efforts.  Most days don't go by where we are kind to others in the way we hope or even expect to be treated.  No church or Christians can independently teach anyone how to be moral.  Paul says that trying to live by this moral code is a curse (Galatians 3:10).  The only only only only only way to even dream of living up to these good values or knowing what comes after death or gaining access to heaven is found in Jesus Christ alone.

In the part of the article that brought me to tears, our author is posed this question by her husband:  "Do you believe that Jesus died on a cross for your sins?"  Her response: “Well, no.”  I grapple to understand~ does she not believe he actually lived, taught, loved, was unjustly condemned, and executed?  Is it a matter of not having been exposed to historical evidence to accept this actually occurred?  Or does she believe he did all those things, but it doesn't amount to anything for her personally?  I guess if God may not exist, what does it matter what Jesus did 2000 years ago.

I admit I am limited in my empathy in one particular area:  I cannot fathom how anyone this smart can wonder at life, rearing children, marriage, faith, death, and even a great divine someone somewhere, and just as quickly squelch that curiosity because it would mean investigating Christianity.  It seems intellectually dishonest. I wish I could tell her that there is evidence for God in science, history, nature, culture, art, and literature.

And if she exhausted all the information testifying to who God is, there are always the accounts of a Nazarene man who was God incarnate; a living, feeling, breathing person who had the mind and heart of God.  Jesus not only died on the cross for our sins, he also woke up from death.  He lived a second time, and this life didn't result in a second death.  It's because of this that we don't have to wake in a panic "contemplating the finality of death".  Faith is not a virtual teddy bear to  distract us from our fears.  It's also not trying to be good or live by the rules to try to garner the grace of a distant king who also happens to be the landlord of eternity.  God is more real and good and just and smart and kind than I can express properly.  My zeal is showing, but I can't stop just yet.  Hypothetically, if my husband or my son had to choose between having a relationship with me or with God, my deepest desire would be for them to pick God.  Not because I'm self-loathing or because I don't love them beyond words, but because God is able to love them with incomparable love.  Sometimes I feel like I could burst when trying to share who He is; smarter people than I have filled the pages of books on Him. 

Here are my final thoughts prompted by this article.  Is "Christian-lite" what the world really wants?  Is Christian exuberance like mine rendered meaningless because it is chalked up as feeling the need to force my opinions on others?  I hope not.  Non-Christians take heed.  Because there is no negotiating at the gate with heaven's gatekeeper.  Jesus is sitting by God's right hand interceding on behalf of those who belong to him; in the club/bouncer scenario, he's our guy on the inside who can either put our name on the list (biblically known as the book of life) and invite us in or leave us on the outside.  And unfortunately, holding a good set of morals doesn't qualify us for entry.  It's not just murderers or thieves or any other type of villain excluded from heaven.  As Zephaniah warned the people in Jerusalem, it's not enough to believe in another religion or to have claimed follow God as some time in the past or be complacent in our unbelief ("to neither seek the Lord nor inquire of him" in Zephaniah's words).  All God wants is the inquiry.  Jesus promises you this in return:

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

(Matthew 7: 7-11~ Italics are my addition; the exclamation point is Jesus')

[article source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/02/fashion/an-agnostics-guide-to-marriage.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&pagewanted=1&adxnnlx=1346443262-LIqakrd3tKYID2xw1xwEuA]

A postscript for/about my mother:  My mother came to faith many years ago and has been transformed into a completely different person.  Her relationship and faithfulness to God has been a testament to me (and I'm sure many others).  Also, Mom (if you read this), please don't unfriend me because I linked an article on the New York Times on my blog.  I don't intend to make it a habit.