I read a letter recently about a minister trying to share the gospel with a young woman. She confessed that she wanted to believe in Jesus but hadn't witnessed Christians really "living for him". It's been said that Christians read the Bible, but non-Christians read believers. This subject has weighed on my heart for a few weeks now. There are two sides to it I want to see clearly. One is the certainty that Christians do fail. The other is that reluctance a non-believer has in starting a relationship with Christ. When these two components are combined it's like magnets forcing each other apart.
It is certain that I have failed to exemplify Christ in my life. Only recently has God made it apparent to me how susceptible I am to traps of wrong thinking. For instance, I once had a roommate who drove me crazy with how messy and carefree she was. The more aggravated I became at my living situation, the more I began to attribute terrible motives to my unsuspecting friend. This debacle poisoned my heart; I felt so victimized that my focus was entirely on me. How could I possible reflect the Savior's love to others as I harbored and even nurtured feelings of disdain, arrogance, and dissension in my heart? I am ashamed to admit that this distorted view stayed with me for the better part of two years while I was actively involved in ministry. How much did I hinder my spiritual growth and the expansion of God's kingdom in that time?
{Big Saps 2006-2007}
{CCF Interns 2007-2008}
{CCF Interns 2007-2008}
{Branch Barks 2007-2008}
In the book of Romans, Paul deals with this same problem. At the time he was talking about the Jews, but this concept applies to Christians today: "God's name is blasphemed among the [unbelievers] because of you." {Romans 2:24}. God is mischaracterized by his followers who muddle the message through unguarded words, wrong behavior, and spiritual dormancy. It's like a bad game of "telephone" where God starts the conversation stating "I love YOU!" and by the time I get my turn to tell you what God has said, it's something vulgar and imperfect and perhaps impossible to be taken seriously. This is my fault, not God's. Paul's response to this problem is quite cogent:
What if some were unfaithful? Will their unfaithfulness nullify God’s faithfulness? Not at all! Let God be true, and every human being a liar. {Romans 3:3-4}
Oh, that my bad example wouldn't nullify in anyone's mind how good God is. Is there a way for Christians to explain this well? I feel the pinch of two things at work in me. First, that I am very unqualified to represent Christ to anyone. Second, that as His follower, I am called and even compelled to tell people about him. I feel like I have the credibility of Pauly Shore trying to give away a Ferrari: a stupid messenger proclaiming an unimaginable reward.
Alas, my incompetence ought not lead me to throw in the towel. The Bible tells us that Abraham traded his wife TWICE with other men to try and save his own skin. Yet he is called righteous and a friend of God. David was a polygamist murderer who was said to have a heart after God. Unworthy people are justified in God's sight because they surrender their misguided plans for their lives to God. George Morrison says that, " the victorious Christian life is a series of new beginnings." These new beginnings are marked by a surrender to God. It's when I offer myself~ my mind, my time, my money, my feelings, etc to God for him to shape and use for His holy purposes. Paul says its like being a "living sacrifice" in Romans 12, but the odd thing about this surrender is that it yields renewal of my spirit (or soul, as you might say).
What could motivate me to live as a sacrifice? I remember God's mercy. His sacrifice for me was great. He chose for me to live while his only Son died. Given the choice between you, dear reader, and my only son, I choose my baby every time. This is how I know God's love for me has no limits. And to quote Paul immoderately, " I believed; therefore I have spoken" {2 Corinthians 4:13}. If I believe it's true (which I do), I must talk (or in this case, write) about it.
Me choosing B
Now for an unbeliever~ I'm not sure what holds you back. When I didn't believe in Jesus, it was a choice. I wasn't opposed to Christianity as some are. I was rather open to its teachings. I just didn't like the thought of all that would have to change. Deep down I thought God didn't make me in a way that I could be moral or even like living in a moral way. Where was the fun in living like a prude? At some point, I decided living the "fun" way was pretty painful. There were a lot of consequences to my kind of fun~ most of which left me very unhappy. I thought I'd get my act together and then perhaps present myself to God to see if the Christian life was worth my while. In spite of some pretty good effort, I still couldn't keep myself out of trouble. I had failed. At this time, I basically said, "God, if you are really interested in me, you are going to have to make me better than I am all on your own. You are going to have to show me how to live your way with megaphones and billboards because it's the least natural thing for me in the world to be like you." You could say that that was a sorry introduction I made to the Creator of the universe; there was no incentive for him to take me into his family. That prayer I made was pitiful, but as crazy as it is, that is all God needed. God drew me to Him and taught me about real love and real life. My terrible proposal was the beginning of a beautiful relationship~ as close as one could be to the most beloved family member.
If you have reservations about God, try telling him. Sure, it'll feel ridiculous, but God sincerely desires to hear from you. Don't be like I was and say to God, "Why did you make me like this?" {Romans 9:20} Instead ask for God to make Himself known to you. This is what Jesus prayed:
“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” {John 17:25-26}
Please don't let anything or anyone come between you and the fulfillment of Jesus' prayer for you.
Have you ever read a book and really related to a character? Years ago when I read Sense and Sensibility, Marianne was the first character in a book with whom I truly identified. The Dashwoods were very much like my family; a household full of women who had fallen from a comfortable lifestyle at the loss of their father (we didn't lose our father to death~ divorce and remarriage took his influence out of our lives). Elinor, the eldest, was endlessly good and strong. I almost couldn't help but substitute my big sister Katie's name for her's while I read. With as much grace and modesty as Elinor, Katie could have been Jane Austen's inspiration for the character. The youngest sister, Margaret, was a daydreamer extraordinaire fancying herself an adventurer to the first degree even whilst bound to life in a meager cottage. My younger sister Anna wouldn't have been caught playing with an atlas, but she almost couldn't get caught without drawing in a sketchbook or fashioning herself attire fit for a pirate, a Shakespearean ghoul, or an exotic princess warrior.
And I was Marianne. The hopeless romantic ever broken over too many Willoughbys. Like the book's songbird, I moodily played Chopin pieces which began in major keys then digressed to the minor believing that this perfectly symbolized the inevitable unraveling of every love story. And though I never wandered my county aimlessly in despair, I think I would have found strolling away my cares very refreshing. For years I thought I was doomed to marry Alan Rickman (who portrayed Colonel Brandon in the movie); oh grief upon grief to be destined to wed Professor Snape!
Okay, this is all very silly. But perhaps you, too, have become wrapped up in a story because you identified with one character. I take it as a very reassuring sign when this happens as I read the Bible. My faith is encouraged when I know someone else has faced a similar experience and were healed, redeemed, rescued, or saved in some other fashion by God. Plus I get a deeper understanding of who Jesus is; while living on earth, he experienced many of the same things I experience.
Ah, but what to do when the convicting power of the Holy Spirit comes on you and says, "Leah, you are like LOT!" In Spanish I would say "que verguenza!" (or "what shame!"). You see, Lot had once lived in his uncle Abraham's household; many of us know his uncle as father Abraham. While living in Canaan, a food shortage threatened their lives. They sought security and well-being in Egypt even though that is not was the Lord desired. God instructed that they move back to Canaan and reassured them that He would be their provider in need. But while in Egypt, Abraham and Lot acquired great wealth including lots of livestock and servants. It got to the point that their excessive belongings cramped their living situation, and the two men decided to part ways. Abraham stayed where God appointed him to stay. Lot moved the the suburbs of a nearby town, Sodom (have you heard of it before?).
A time came when Sodom was seized by a union of powerful kingdoms from the east. The king of Sodom was forced to pay tribute to his occupiers every year. For 12 years this goes on until one day, the king of Sodom banded together with a few other local rulers to rebel. They didn't pay their dues which provoked the kings from the east to subdue the insurgents by force. The strength of this military easily overcame Sodom and the neighboring towns. And Lot (who we discover had taken up residency in Sodom during the intervening years) was deported to the east along with his family and all his worldly possession.
Abraham got word of what has happened to his nephew. He gathered a small army of his own to pursue and free his family from captivity. Despite a journey of hundreds of miles on foot and facing a powerful army, Abraham and his men defeated the kings of the east in what can only be described as a miracle. Lot was rescued and saw the restoration of all he previously had.
Perhaps here is where you'd expect the moral of the story. Lot considers he ought never to have left his uncle Abraham's household, sells everything he owns, and renounces the life of literal and spiritual bondage he experienced in Sodom. Goodness, if only it were so...
Years and years go by before we discover what has become of Lot. Now if you've heard of Sodom and Gomorrah, you probably know what's coming. Abraham received 3 messengers from God who imparted that the cruelty and evil of Sodom had provoked an outcry so great to God that he must respond. Even though Abraham hadn't been told that the cities would be destroyed, he began to plead that all would be saved for the sake of a minority of good men. He argued that if God is good and just, he wouldn't send good men to the same judgment as the wicked. This is undoubtedly true about God; yet there was only one man in the whole of Sodom that God had deemed worthy of saving.
Two angels were dispatched to Sodom where they met Lot at the city gate. Lot had now become an official, a leader in the city. He was deeply enmeshed with this city. Such a scene broke out at the angels' arrival (which you can read about here) that it became urgent to evacuate Lot and his family from Sodom before any harm befell them. At morning's first light, the angels urged Lot to take his family and run to the mountains or else they, too, could be swept away in the disaster. Perhaps hoping against hope that God would change His mind, Lot hesitated. He was so attached to his belongings and his way of life that he was reluctant to leave it behind. At this, the angels took hold of Lot and his family and led them outside the city. I imagine they were wistfully being pulled away. I forgot to mention that Lot's two daughters had fiances who chose to stay behind; those brides-to-be were certainly dragged from Sodom.
As if words like "flee" and "hurry" didn't mean anything, Lot began to bargain with the angels about where they should go. This modern man and creature of comfort insisted it'd be better for them to seek refuge in a small town nearby rather than a craggy mountain. By grace, God granted Lot this request.
Phew, by midday this family arrived in the small town of Zoar. At that same time burning sulfur from heaven was devouring everything and everyone in and around Sodom and Gomorrah. Just when you think Lot's family have escaped danger and despair a second time, his wife made a fatal error. She looked back to her home and grieved over her losses in her heart. Rather than being grateful that she, her husband, and two daughters had been delivered from judgment and spared by God's mercy, she could only feel sorry for herself. At this instant she was transformed into a pillar of salt. From this moment on, it was nothing but sadness and a downward spiral for Lot and his daughters.
Merciful heavens, you say? Would it have been easier to read it straight out of the Bible than read my book report version? Perhaps, but I want to illustrate a valuable lesson I gleaned from Lot's example.
Shifting gears a bit~you could say that (perhaps like many girls) that I enjoy shopping. My thrifty husband may characterize me at times as a spendthrift. During the holidays in particular I spent hours thinking and planning what I would buy for loved ones' gifts. Then after the holidays I wanted to capitalize on the post-Christmas sales with my gift cards and shopping money. Literal months went by where I was either shopping the internet for gifts to buy or scouring my favorite stores for must-have items. Shopping became my habit and with it, the consolation and excitement of having something new.
I confess to you that I am not proud of this habit and the painful strain it put on my relationship with my sweet husband. Though I am far from having broken our bank, I have betrayed a trust about how we spend and save money. Internally and personally, it is nearly unbearable the shame that I feel when I put so much stock in the value of things that are essentially valueless. Sure they cost money, but it cost me time where I wish I had been developing deeper spiritual qualities that truly will last. I literally could have spent those hours studying the Bible, singing spiritual songs and reading books to my son, writing encouraging love notes to my husband, praying thanks to God that we want for nothing, spending time with family and friends, or simply not cramming stuff in my heart-shaped need-hole.
Like Lot, I didn't trust God for my security. I have clung to worldly wealth and comforts that aren't in and of themselves wrong, but what I felt in my heart (greed, desire, pride, impulsiveness) was definitely wrong. His decisions didn't just affect him. His wife was so influenced by his example that she couldn't even see the second miraculous salvation she received from God. Is my greed or lust for shopping contagious to my husband or perhaps my son? Do I demonstrate what it means to be a good steward when my neighbors see packages from clothes stores waiting on my doorstep? How is my influence diminished or tarnished by allowing this sin to persist?
And Lot's desire to live in affluence led him to be undiscerning about the sinful culture surrounding him. He couldn't see how the sexually perverse society had corrupted the minds and standards of his daughters. He tolerated some very grievous practices and allowed his children to believe it was acceptable behavior. When I hold on to this sin, what else do I have to accept or condone? Am I more attached to collecting things than building character? I can only hope that my repentance and desire to change will entice my Savior to exchange my weakness for his righteousness. I hope to nip this sin in the bud before it costs me anything close to what it cost Lot. Please Lord never let me choose the temporary and uncertain comforts of the world over the eternal comfort of friendship with You.
Thanks for reading and letting me share. Sometimes when I bear my thoughts in words I think it must be hard for others to relate to it. Whether you think I'm too Bible-focused or that my struggles are seemingly so basic (Materialism? Seriously?), I hope I haven't alienated you with my reflections as I sort out this business of the heart. It is humbling to know that even though I am growing in my faith, I'm susceptible to sin which I naively believed I was above. Thank you God for repentance, grace, and renewal!
Moody broody Chopin (Prelude Op. 28, No. 15) ~ one of my favorites to play back in my Marianne days
