Girlfriend!

I was spending time with my mom, big sister, and our baby girls yesterday.  We were talking about how challenging it has been to have sustained friendships with other women.  I marvel at girls who have lifelong best friends.  What must that be like? 

Big sis & me

 I had two very dear friends when I was a child; in many ways they were practically sisters to me.  Our closeness deteriorated, I believe, because I went through a very dark internal season of the spirit when my parents got divorced.  I was already predisposed to being moody and selfish anyhow, but I must have been insufferable at that point in life.  That season was too quickly followed by an insanity that often claims pre-teen girls: boy-mania.  I had crushes upon crushes.  My closet was literally a shrine to Hanson, Green Day, Silverchair, and Bush.  I may have liked their music, but I likely never would have discovered that if the singers weren't cute.  I was much more driven to have a boyfriend than to nurture my friendships with girls.

It wasn't until I came to know Jesus that all the sudden I saw how deep my desire to have girlfriends was.  One of my very first sincere prayers was that God would put me in a place where I wouldn't be distracted by boys and would have an opportunity to get to know girls.  You may giggle when you find that I prayed this after completing my first year at Georgia Tech where the ratio of guys to girls at the time was 7 to 3.  I did, however, secure a job at a Victoria Secret.  Initially I believed it was an answer to my prayer.  Too soon, though, I learned that girls that work at VS are not too different from boys.  As a new follower of Jesus, for me it was an unsavory and less than ideal environment in which to be. 

My big sister remarked on the nature of closeness.  Among her good friends, the degree of intimacy was too often characterized with "cattiness".  You weren't really that tight if you didn't call each other b----.  Rudeness substituted kindness as terms of endearment.  I know exactly what she was talking about.  Regardless of whether my friends were non-Christians or Christians, in some cases it was as if the relationship wasn't authentic until you breached the barrier of acquaintance with crassness.  When did demeaning candor replace the gentleness that is intrinsic to being a female?

I admit I have been bawdy with friends.  But God teaches that, "love does not delight in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth" {1 Corinthians 13:6}.  What a challenge to the notion of what is so common to our thinking~ to my thinking.  The wisdom of the world promotes callous affection, "but the wisdom that comes from heaven is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere" {James 3:17}.  

My problem with not having long lasting close friendships with girls hasn't been for lack of desire.  It is more likely that I haven't been 
"pure" in my motives (thinking the friendship is about meeting my needs), 
"peaceable" in how I speak (I have said and continue to say provocative and destructive things much to my chagrin), 
"gentle" in the content of my speech (this lady doth share too much), 
"open to reason" (which would require me to be a better listener than I am), 
"full of mercy" (too busy occupied with myself to consider my friend's thoughts, needs, or feelings),
"full of good fruits" in giving to and serving others,
"impartial" to who the Lord has purposefully put in my life,
and "sincere" (often behaving the way I think I ought to in order to fit in).

If I am honest with myself, what I have deemed closeness to other ladies as an adult has too often resembled the culture and not enough of what I knew to be true as a kid.  To have a friend, you must first be a friend.  And who better to learn that from than the truest Friend we could ever ask for.  God shows his desire to befriend us in that while we were still his enemies, he sent Christ to die for us and save us. {adapted from Romans 5:8}

Our sweet baby girls

Readiness

The two minutes are up.  Nap time is imminent.  I say, "it's time, Bubba!"  Suddenly all the eagerness my son embodies ebbs away, and he scrambles to retreat, saying, "no, I not ready!  Two minutes!"  I can see the signs: sleepy eyes, an attitude shift from cheerful to irritable, and a dissatisfaction with all his good toys and books.  He is ready.  It's time for him to sleep, but he can't see it (or won't see it) my way.  His unyielding comportment lasts until we are by his bed singing songs to Jesus.  He finally surrenders and nearly gladly accepts that nap time is good.  I am no longer the villain leading him to imprisonment; I am his mother who loves him.  He says sweetly to me, "Je t'aime maman.  Au revoir!"

These daily episodes drain me.  I started praying and asking God why it had to be like this every time.  Can't my boy remember from one day to the next that all turned out well?  God was gracious and quick to remind me that this is the dynamic of my relationship with Him.  Too often when God calls me to something, my knee-jerk reaction is to say, "I'm not ready, Lord!"  God was leading Kyle and me to have another baby last year-- I'm not ready.  We moved into a home that wasn't unpacked or fully furnished for months, but God said to invite folks over-- I'm not ready.  My boy spiked a fever of 103.9, and I had to stay home with his baby sister while Kyle took him to the emergency room-- Lord, I am not ready for this.  Most convicting of all, opportunities arise to tell my friends about Jesus or openly give God the glory for the good things in my life and I say I'm not ready.

Matthew 19:16-22 reads:
Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
“Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

When I tell the Lord I am not ready, it's no different than saying no.  It's no different than this rich young man who receives an invitation from Jesus to follow him and chooses to walk away.  Because like the rich young man or my son at nap time, I can't envision following and trusting God through life's challenges not costing me a lot.  What if I were a better mom with only one child?  What if our friends think our house is abysmal?  What if Bubba's fever is a sign of devastating illness?  What if I lose a friend because my love for Jesus weirds them out?

But Jesus never said that following him wouldn't come at a cost.  In fact he says the opposite; it come at great cost.  The rich young man was asked to give up his wealth.  Bubba surrenders his partial-autonomy and toys at nap time.  But what Bubba receives that the rich young man missed (and too often I miss) is the loving embrace of a parent and rest.  I could trade my own free will with all its worry and anxiety and missed opportunity with closeness to my Father in heaven and peace within.  All my "what ifs" could come true, which I dread admitting.  I simply desire that God would transform my reluctance into readiness, my free will into willingness to follow Him.  Please make it so, Lord.